They say that when your life falls apart you learn fairly quickly who you really are. You discover the extent of your weaknesses and how strong you can be as you face them. You find and test your limits. You see successes and further setbacks. It is in this act of hitting rock bottom that causes this shift in your overall thinking. I can say that for me this is undoubtedly true. I prefer to avoid the details because frankly there is still a fair amount of shame with what I am dealing with and I am not ready to have that "out in the world". At least not now. Should I be ashamed? Perhaps not, but it is how I feel and you cannot get through something until you acknowledge how you really feel about it.
Most of the plans I had mapped out for myself are being re-written out of necessity. I am considering options that I previously balked at because I feel I need to be more humble, more accepting of the help being offered. This is the first time since I moved to Las Vegas that I am truly frightened for what may lay ahead and cannot seem to figure out how best to deal with it all. Some days I am fine, others I go to bed and lie awake for hours because I am so unsure of what to do. There is a fair amount of panic that no one can really give me the cure for. It is just something that I need to deal with.
There is a part of me that wants to stay in Las Vegas and continue to drive for a life here but a quiet soulful part of me wants to go back east, even if only for a short time, to lick my wounds among family and friends, so that I can regroup properly. I don't think I ever really gave myself the time to do that. I went from being married to on my own without a blink of an eye. I think my heart hasn't found where it belongs yet because I haven't given it a chance to heal. I have pushed it over and around things because that was what I had to do then, but now, I am feeling like I need to take a deeper look at how I am healing.
Frankly, things are shitty. I don't think some people who know the details really grasp what that means for me. Nor do they understand it. Hell, neither do I. I think that is the worst part of this whole thing. No one knows what to say or do.
Where to go from here? I am not really sure. I guess the main point of this is that sometimes you just don't know.