I was sitting here reading through job postings (sigh) and it occurred to me that often during this process I have to decide what jobs to apply for not just based on my background but ones that I feel I am truly a good fit for. It is all about being authentic, true to myself. Yes, I need a job. Yes, money is that driving force behind each and every decision. However, I cannot give up hope on being in a place that fulfills me. If I do, then what the hell was all that pain, hurt and suffering for?
Instead of blindly applying for work I am trying to take a different approach. I set a schedule for myself. One day I apply for part-time jobs near my home that will just get me through this crazy period of my life, the next I apply for those jobs I know are ones that will bring me a sense of self-satisfaction. Then I flip back the next day to applying to more part-time or remote jobs. Frankly it has been the only way that I do not cringe every time I sit down to the computer to look for work. I am trying to balance what I need with who I am and it is no easy task.
When you look up the word authentic you learn that it means to be genuine, accurate and reliable. "Being authentic" is a phrase we hear a lot these days. It is something we all should aspire to be. In my worst times, like now, I feel an even stronger drive towards being that person because it grounds me. I have mentioned before how my anxiety and depression has affected my life these past few months. It is in the moments where it hits, and I forget who I am deep down, that I lose sight of what is real and important. It is then that I act irrationally, out of pure emotion.
My friend that I mentioned in my last post "That Girl" said that he thought I was "sweet" and kind. Remembering that is bittersweet for me. I feel it is really who I am but for a moment I lost sight of that because my anxiety ramped up. I had so many things hitting me all at once from so many directions, and I felt I couldn't share any of that with him. With anyone really. I was embarrassed. I didn't want many people to know just how badly I felt. The weight of all of that is something I am still trying to forgive myself for.
When we stop being authentic, being real, there are always going to be consequences. Not just in our work and personal relationships but also to what energy we are putting out into the world. We are all apt to make mistakes, that is inevitable. It is when we do so out of a place of fear and anxiety that it is so much harder to deal with. Being real, being true, may not avoid the hurt but it can definitely help lessen the pain.
“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” - Doctor Who, Matt Smith