It has been a long time since I wrote anything of substance. Since today was World Mental Health Day I decided today was as good a day as any to reveal what I have been dealing with since I last wrote.
A lot has changed these last few months. Some changes were good and others were not. Someone very wise told me a long time ago that this was what it was going to be like to be an adult. As teens we all hate hearing those words from adults. Even worse we hate being reminded of their truth as an adult.
This past August marked the end of the job I had at the store. It was a bittersweet change in my life. I was ready to move on but the fear of what would happen next was daunting. I was ready to get back to doing what I love, helping students, but there was no guarantee that I would be able to do that the way I wanted to and in a manner that felt authentic. After all, I have been trying to do so since March. It is incredibly challenging to get into higher education, especially after being away for a time. Sure I can explain my recent work history in an interview but to get that interview is hard when your resume cannot tell the entire story. You can only tell the facts and then some software decides if you move on. It isn't like it used to be. Now, if you don't have the right pre-determined set of keywords you are out of luck.
I did have one job offer almost right after leaving the store but it was very much like the job I had in Las Vegas. One issue was that it had far worse hours (10 am to 8 pm) and travel time (45 minutes each way). With a dog, it would have been near impossible to manage a nearly 12-hour workday (with commute). I even looked at a dog walker which would have cost about $400-500 per month depending on how the week went. That and I did not want to be in a “sales” type environment again. It was a great school and the programs were very unique but there were too many things that screamed at me to walk away. I only had one other offer after that one, after eight interviews in one week, and that was for a marketing company that was commission only. There were no guarantees of a consistent paycheck.
I eventually got a part time job for an event company doing event management and security until I land the job I want. It allows me to continue to job hunt and even after I find my full-time job I can still pick events that I can work for some extra cash. It will barely keep me going but offers some flexibility. It will also hopefully allow me to keep my dog Castle with me. With my situation, and his medical conditions my concern is always keeping him safe and healthy. He is my world but ultimately, I need to keep him out of harm’s way no matter what. I may still need to foster him if things don't get better soon.
During all this I have naturally dealt with a lot of stress and lack of sleep. The anxiety and depression that resulted became debilitating. Here is an example of that impact: I had met a great guy in July, just a friend, though I was totally smitten with him. I managed to alienate him after letting that anxiety get the best of me. There is a long story to that. I will own up to my clear over-reaction to not having all the information. I jumped to the worst case scenario instead of waiting it out. I just wish he had given me the same grace I gave him when he had a rough time to deal with weeks prior to all of this. I didn’t tell him a lot of what happened because he had so much going on himself. Instead I was never given a chance to explain and texting all of this isn't simple to do as much gets lost in translation.
As I told him ages ago, I just wanted someone to have my back down here. He didn’t. That is all I really need to learn from that experience. It’s sad, but I can understand that not everyone can or wants to deal with the “drama” of another person’s life. I became "that girl" in his mind, the one no guy wants to deal with. That was all he knew of me.
This was how I realized that my anxiety and depression were real though. If I was thinking clearly I would have handled it all better. I may have gotten miffed but I wouldn't have made it such a big deal. I am hoping to get some help with dealing with the anxiety but the damage in this case has been done.
We haven't talked since & I do miss talking to him. I can only thank him for bringing a love of "real football" to my life and a lot of smiles too. For a while, that meant more to me than he will likely ever know. It was a bright spot in so many of my darker days. I will regret screwing that up for a long time.
Instead, I now focus on the job front. I now wait on yet another interview and what outcome it may hold. It would be a great opportunity for me. My hopes are high which scares me now. I don’t want to get into details on some of that because the more information I share publicly the more invested others get in the outcome. I already feel like sharing this is more than I planned today.
It has been hard to realize that people genuinely care when they offer suggestions instead of feeling like people don’t think I can do more with my life. I know what they say comes from a good place, but sometimes it cuts me to the bone. I know it is just my overactive mind talking but it is real. I am doing what I can.
I am not sure how I got here though I know in a lot of ways I am better off that I was when I first left Las Vegas. It is just hard being alone, day after day, and not having anyone to just give me a big hug when things go badly. So, if you have that person nearby, give them a hug and relish in that feeling. I envy you.
I cannot end this post without acknowledging those that have reached out to offer help and/or have offered to just listen. It is appreciated beyond measure.
With love, K