It has been some time since I have written anything of substance. It is not without a lack of trying, just nothing came to mind that I had not written about several times before. Today felt different, as if I needed to just reach out into the void to say a few things that have been going on or have been rolling around in my mind. Some of the these themes are similar, but I feel that there were things I still needed to say with Thanksgiving just a few short days away.
I have always felt a deep sense of gratitude for family and friends that have helped me in any way over the last few years. If you never have the misfortune of going through a divorce, you are lucky to miss the tornado-like existence that results and avoid the aftermath that inevitably ensues. Things get more confusing and frustrating as you go forward, often without any influence of anyone else. As if the universe is trying to find a way back to balance. Still, there you are, left with these bits and pieces of an old life that are trying their best to mesh themselves with the beginnings of a new one. It is like what happens in the Spring. I read a quote once, which escapes me now, that said something like "Spring is not for the weak of heart". I think that is what going through all of this has proven to me. I am strong-hearted. Far more so than I ever thought before. This time of my life is my Spring. My chance to grow. No one promised it'd be easy.
After I completed my marathon last year I had an epiphany of sorts when it comes to being strong hearted. It was as if the world was trying to tap me on the shoulder gently to get my attention. It kept saying “See, I told you that you can do this on your own.” I went to Pittsburgh by myself, and ran a race on my own terms, knowing that no one I knew was going to be at that finish line with a sign or a high five. It made me sad at first but now, months later, I realized that it was likely the best thing that could have happened to me. It started me down of path of choosing things that made me feel some sense of self-fulfillment instead of living by what others expected of me. It is not like I am walking away from my old me, just embracing the new one emerging from what was left scarred and battered.
I haven’t been running much since my marathon and that is something I am hoping to change soon. I am looking for another marathon to run in 2019. I need the challenge and consistency it provided. Plus, I really want to beat my time.
Professionally things are going well. I am in the job I have always wanted. I may not make as much money as I had in the past, but I am doing okay with that. I went through an extensive financial planning session last May and am just now starting to feel less anxiety on that front. In 2018, I have only used 3 sick days and 4 vacation days. That was 2 days vacation for my marathon and 2 days for the post work conference days off in Vegas for a wedding. In a nutshell, I like being at my job every day, even on the seemingly “bad days” because they just tend to push me to do better.
Personally, I am doing far better then when I first moved here. I have a friends now through work and near my home. I am still not dating, though open to it. I just want to have that happen naturally. I want my own "meet cute". Perhaps I have been watching far too many Hallmark movies, but I just don’t want to go the online dating route. Been there, hated that. Besides what wiggle room I have in my budget is reserved for my rainy-day fund and possible “buy a house” fund. That budget, by the way, is freaking tight. There is no way I am spending money on a better online site for dating. All of that will disappear if Castle needs surgery (more on that another time).
I am, and will always be, grateful for the people who have shaped me in any way these last 44 plus years. I am looking forward to what is to come. It's been an interesting year for me, but it has left me hopeful. Is personal growth any good? I think so. It may take the long route to get there, but it is worth the journey.
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Thank you for reading....